External Critics
Our external environment is not always supportive to our spiritual development. I know that does not come as a surprise! What we often forget is that growth requires challenges, not just support. If our external environment were 100% supportive and never challenging, we would run the risk of becoming addicted to comfort. There are people who set aside their internal drive for growth because they place comfort ahead of everything else. Often this happens as a result of a wound: over time fearing the unknown overshadows being curious about the mystery. Nevertheless, not all external challenges or critics are healthy. Some can end up being soul-sucking, drawing the life force out of us and leaving us a shell of who we were designed to become.
Deeper Inquiry
There is no easy path in discerning the lesson and purpose of external critics in our lives. A person spewing negativity may be inconsequential to one person, a motivator to the next person, and a soul-draining experience for a third person. As in everything, the relationship between the two people is what determines the effect. Each of us, as we move through this experiment we call life, learn over time who and what feeds us or drains us. It is often said “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” This is only true if we move through the experience with a sense of value and purpose. In my work as a psychotherapist, I have worked with numerous people that have been living diminished lives since a specific trauma or event. I have seen people who have not yet recovered from things that have happened in their life, recovering neither their previous functioning nor their previous zest for living. Sometimes life changes us. Sometimes it takes years to understand how the events we experienced shape the way we see the world and walk in the world.
Make a list of people in your life that generally support your path and purpose in life. Pause and take a moment to express gratitude for each of the people on this list. Now make a list of people in your life that generally seem to be an impediment to your path and purpose in life. Pause and reflect on each person and whether their presence in your life is teaching you a lesson. If the lesson is clear, express gratitude for that person and the lesson you are learning. If the lesson is not clear, take a few moments and determine the purpose they are serving in your life. Maybe they are in your life because of a role they play: family member or coworker are two common roles. If it feels like they cannot be removed from your life, there are two inquiries, the first is to examine what you believe about roles and permanence. For example, why do you believe that you do not have the power or agency to remove or limit from your life someone not healthy for you? Changing your belief about the power you have over how your life can create an immense sense of freedom while making you more responsible for the choices you make to construct a life worth living. The second inquiry is to examine what healthy lesson can you learn from this person who you believe is not removable from your life? Perhaps the lesson is to learn that you cannot change them but you can change your reaction to what they say or do.
Victor Frankl reminded us in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, that we have the freedom to choose our response to any stimulus. It is a freedom that no one can take away from us if we exercise it. We can practice using our consciousness to override any thoughts, emotions or behaviors. Our minds often default to the negative in an attempt to protect us or steer us away from negative conditions. If left in default mode, our mind will focus us on any repetitive negative condition in our lives. We can train ourselves to balance out the negative focus with a concerted effort to reframe – or focus on the positive – of any situation. For example, if we find ourselves in the situation of caring for a grumpy elderly relative, rather than focusing on their negative attitude toward life, we can focus on the lesson of learning how draining it is to be around negative people and then discipline ourselves to look for the positive and share it with others. In this way, we take a lesson in what we don’t want (negativity) and turn it into manifesting what we do want (positivity). In this way, meeting a challenge in our external environment can make us stronger, clearer and a fuller manifestation of the Love we were created to be!
Creating breakthroughs
In closing, here are some statements that I know to be true for me. Test them out in your heart to see if they ring true to you:
- Challenges in our external environment can be used to grow us or make us stronger.
- To grow, we all need a balance between challenges and support.
- Look for the lesson in external challenges. If you cannot find one, eliminate or minimize the challenge.
- We have more power to shape and choose our external environment than we often think. Our task is to empower ourselves to create the conditions to thrive.
- Support for our life is always flowing from the Source that created us.
This is part 5 of a 12-part series. I would love to hear from you at challenges@thomascapshew.com My next installment will be focused on fear as a challenge to developing our spiritual practice. May your path be filled with health, joy, clarity and Love! Tom